Azerbaijan International

Summer 1994 (2.2)
Page 29

When the Choice is between Bread and Freedom
by Azar Panahli

Companion Piece to "Irreversible Loses Since Independence" by Svetlana Krasnova

Three years of independence - stained by a bloody war, economic hardships and social uncertainty-are arousing our memories for the "good old days," causing us to question if this path to democracy and freedom is really worth such a sacrificial effort. Concern for personal interests is beginning to take the place of our commitment for the common good and interests of the nation as a whole. I look around at my friends, my family, and neighbors and realize that the era of self-sacrifice is being replaced by an era of self-survival now that we are hungry.

There is no doubt that the economic situation in Azerbaijan has worsened considerably since our Independence in 1991. The shelves in our shops are filled with items - milk, meat, and cheese - that many of us simply cannot afford. We used to be so proud of the hospitality that we could extend to our friends and guests but now for many of us, these celebrations and parties are no longer possible. Lately, I've noticed how so many of us shy away from spending a lot of time with others simply because we don't want to feel obliged to entertain; we can no longer afford the standard that we used to but we're too proud to admit it.

The Soviet System always provided us a sense of security. Whether we worked or not, we never feared losing our jobs and we always received our salaries. The State provided an economic cushion. Now we can no longer sit all day at work, drinking tea, chatting among our friends-we must produce. Now we, ourselves, must take on the responsibilities for our lives and our families. We're on our own. And we feel vulnerable and weak and frightened by our frailty.

And so we yearn for the artificial security of the "good old days," so quickly forgetting the persecution, repression, censorship and treatment we suffered as second-class citizens only a few short years ago.

Our dream about democracy used to be so different. On January 20, 1990, Soviet troops invaded Baku, suppressing our national independence movement which was on the verge of erupting. Tens of innocent civilians-Azerbaijanis, Russians, Ukrainians and Jews were shot or crushed under the cold-blooded tanks of the Empire of Terror. Overnight, our horror of the Soviet tanks turned into raging hatred, and the following day hundreds of thousands of us rose up to shoulder the coffins of those who had been killed.

The Shahidlar Khiyaban ("Lane of Martyrs"- cemetery) where we laid to rest those who had been murdered was transformed into our Temple of Worship, our grief infused us with a desperate energy to work to realize our ideals, hopes, and expectations. It felt so exhilarating to be free. Our spirits soared.

But the euphoria has vanished. Our dreams have not been met. Independence has not fed or clothed us. We go to sleep with the sound of Armenian artillery and awaken to find ourselves wandering homeless as refugees in our own native land.

Under these incredible pressures of the war, it seems impossible to transform our nation and society from one system to another, to implement economic and political reforms, to change the socialist economy into a free market, to replace state ownership with privatization, and at the same time to maintain satisfactory standards of living.

A few years ago when shortages began appearing, special coupons were introduced enabling us to buy 10 eggs with one coupon, half a kilo of meat with another, etc. I always refused those coupons, insulted and humiliated that someone could determine how many eggs I could eat per month.

At the same time, I knew these coupons were economic necessities. So I never complained. I simply rejected them personally. But I could afford to. I was young, single, living alone, and responsible only for myself. I had good housing, a good salary, and many possibilities for a good future.

But I ask myself whether I could have refused if I had had the responsibility of three or four children. What if I had been like tens of thousands of our refugees living in tents? Or what if I had no choice but to stand in line for hours for a loaf of bread day after day only to have the supply run out before my turn? Would I still find the courage to boast my refusal of such assistance?

But I don't want to give up my dream for independence. If I don't find the courage to stand up for freedom today, who will do it for me? And who will do it for my children? If I give in to these pressures today, generations will curse me tomorrow.

I realize this period is very difficult but if I can only bear to carry this burden a little while I know my country will rise to its feet and we'll be rewarded for our patience and resistance. I'm not yet 30 years old and I don't know if I'll live long enough to see the fruits of these efforts but I already feel rewarded even under these trying circumstances.

I love my nation. I love being able to identify myself as Azerbaijani. I love not having to be shy about who I am anymore. I love being able to speak my own language - not the tongue imposed upon me by my oppressor.

Having experienced what independence is, I would hate to be enslaved again; moreover, I would hate to exchange my new embryonic freedom for a piece of bread to put on my table. I would prefer to live one day as a free man than forty years imprisoned in bondage. The taste of independence is sweet - and delicate. It has instilled within me feelings of personal dignity and integrity. And now that I've experienced this, I'd rather die than lose it. I was a slave and now I am free and I will never agree to be dominated again - no matter what.

From Azerbaijan International (2.2) Summer Issue 1994.
© Azerbaijan International 1994. All rights reserved.

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